It has been a few months since I have really written something from my heart. As more and more time passed, it became increasingly difficult to sort through all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that have occurred over this time period. I had really been struggling to see myself as God sees me. Can you believe that? To be honest, I spent a lot of time at the beginning of the year trying to hide the stress and anxiety that I was feeling while trying to stay strong for my family and not go crazy all at the same time. I was always living from moment to moment with my ability to fully enjoy life being impeded by a lingering thought that I was one petty text or vindictive confrontation from allowing my joy to be stolen. And that was no way to live. Looking back, this first half of the year has really been a period of growth for me spiritually, mentally and emotionally as a woman, mother, and human being in general.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” -Matthew 6:34ESV
Now, as I am preparing to kick off my 30th year of life, I have been trying to put things into perspective. I have gained a renewed sense of appreciation for the meaning of being blessed. These past few months have really helped me to see not only the beauty of God’s love, but also the beauty of God’s love within me. This first part of the year has been the main motivation behind deciding to create the #12TO30 project. These past few months of seeking to identify and enjoy the moments that God brings me to made me ask myself, “what would a whole 12 months of this look like?” And then I realized I would want to share that with as many people as possible. But for now, I can share the two major things that have already happened.
In April, God used the incident of my car breaking down to show me that His love for me is perfect and never ending, even though it isn’t always revealed in a way that I would find ideal. I was surrounded by the support of friends, family and loved ones that made sure my son and I had the things we needed and I was able to get my car fixed without having to pay for anything but the parts. I also got to witness my son just living life through his eyes.
Then, I was able to fully enjoy my son’s “extended visit” to his dad’s this summer. So last year when my son went away for the summer, I was a wreck to say the least. I have always struggled with enjoying my times away from my son because I felt guilty about needing a break. I couldn’t shake the thoughts in my head saying “no mother enjoys being away from her child” and “what if you miss a milestone occurring”. Let’s just say I was doing an excellent job of guilting myself out of enjoying some “Me” time. So this year as the time approached, I prayed that I would have a desire to enjoy the life that God has given me, that I would be free from the worry and guilt of being away from my child, and that I would spend more time with God and experience the woman that I was created to be. Saying my prayer has been answered would be an understatement. During the month of June I was able to get out and meet new people, spend time with my church community, witness my sister make an outward display of her commitment to Christ through baptism, rock my natural, go rock climbing and even went on a few dates. I embraced the yearly 30 day time period spent away from my son for the summer and I don’t regret it one bit.
This has probably been one of biggest personal milestones I have experience this year in my time as a parent, letting go. I realized that I have to accept that my son’s life is in God’s hands when he is with other people (and even if he is with me). I will not always be in control, and I realize that I don’t want to be. I want to be able to embrace the beauty of God’s will being done without my sinful pride and ego getting in the way. I am just thankful that God loves me enough to still listen to and answer my prayers. And now that my son is back home, I am more fully enjoying our time together because I took time to just enjoy myself.
Grace and peace,